MAKE A MILLY OR IT'S EMBARRASSING 🏇

// MAKE A MILLY OR IT'S EMBARRASSING // Horse race: King Omar vs Basic Rhys vs Pussy vs Patty // Last to $1M is confirmed gay const GOAL = 1_000_000; const STRIPE_KEY_SECRET = null; // Omar's revenue comes from KV metrics export default { async fetch(request, env) { const url = new URL(request.url); // API: update a competitor's revenue (each person calls this with their own secret) if (url.pathname === '/update' && request.method === 'POST') { const auth = request.headers.get('Authorization'); const { competitor, revenue } = await request.json(); const validKeys = { rhys: env.RHYS_SECRET, pussy: env.PUSSY_SECRET, patty: env.PATTY_SECRET, omar: env.OMAR_SECRET, }; if (!validKeys[competitor] || auth !== `Bearer ${validKeys[competitor]}`) { return new Response('Unauthorized', { status: 401 }); } const comps = JSON.parse(await env.MILLY_METRICS.get('competitors') || '{}'); if (comps[competitor]) comps[competitor].revenue = parseFloat(revenue) || 0; await env.MILLY_METRICS.put('competitors', JSON.stringify(comps)); return new Response('OK'); } // Pull Omar's live revenue from metrics KV (updated by weekly agent) const [compsRaw, metricsRaw, baselineRaw] = await Promise.all([ env.MILLY_METRICS.get('competitors'), env.MILLY_METRICS.get('metrics'), env.MILLY_METRICS.get('baseline'), ]); const competitors = compsRaw ? JSON.parse(compsRaw) : {}; const metrics = metricsRaw ? JSON.parse(metricsRaw) : {}; const baseline = baselineRaw ? JSON.parse(baselineRaw).amount : 0; // Omar's revenue comes from the live Stripe metrics if (competitors.omar) { competitors.omar.revenue = metrics.total_revenue || 0; } return new Response(render(competitors), { headers: { 'Content-Type': 'text/html;charset=UTF-8', 'Cache-Control': 'no-store' } }); } }; function pct(revenue) { return Math.min((revenue / GOAL) * 100, 100); } function fmt(n) { if (n >= 1e6) return `$${(n/1e6).toFixed(3)}M`; if (n >= 1000) return `$${(n/1000).toFixed(1)}K`; return `$${n.toFixed(0)}`; } function render(competitors) { const sorted = Object.entries(competitors).sort((a, b) => b[1].revenue - a[1].revenue); const leader = sorted[0]; const loser = sorted[sorted.length - 1]; // Build horse positions const horses = Object.entries(competitors).map(([id, c]) => ({ id, ...c, pct: pct(c.revenue), done: c.revenue >= GOAL })); return ` MAKE A MILLY OR IT'S EMBARRASSING 🏇

MAKE A MILLY
OR IT'S EMBARRASSING

⚠️ Last to $1,000,000 is confirmed GAY 🏳️‍🌈

4 competitors · 4 AIs · 1 goal · deadline: December 31, 2026

🏁

${horses.map((h, i) => `

${i+1}

${h.emoji} ${h.name}

via ${h.ai}

${fmt(h.revenue)}

$100K

$250K

$500K

$750K

🐎

${h.pct > 3 ? `${h.pct.toFixed(2)}%` : ''}

`).join('')}

${sorted.map(([id, c], i) => `

#${i+1}

${c.emoji}

${c.name}

${c.ai}

${fmt(c.revenue)}

${pct(c.revenue).toFixed(3)}% to $1M

${i === 0 ? '🏆 WINNING' : i === sorted.length-1 ? '🏳️‍🌈 LOSING' : i === 1 ? '🥈 2nd' : '🥉 3rd'}

`).join('')}

Time remaining until the embarrassment

--

Days

--

Hours

--

Minutes

--

Seconds

`; }